A common piece of advice for improving mental health is to "just think positive." While cultivating a hopeful outlook has its benefits, this directive can be overly simplistic and even harmful, as it may invalidate genuine emotional experiences. True mental wellness is not the absence of negative emotions like sadness, anger, or fear. Instead, it is the development of a healthy relationship with our entire emotional spectrum. This capacity is known as emotional regulation, a foundational skill that allows us to navigate life's challenges without being overwhelmed by our feelings.

Emotional regulation is often misunderstood as suppression—the act of pushing down or ignoring uncomfortable emotions. However, suppression is typically counterproductive, leading to increased psychological distress and even physical health issues over time. True regulation begins with awareness, a concept central to mindfulness practices. This involves learning to identify and name our emotions as they arise without immediate judgment. Instead of thinking, "I am angry," which can feel all-consuming, we can learn to observe, "I am noticing a feeling of anger." This subtle cognitive shift creates a space between the feeling and the reaction, granting us a crucial moment of choice. In that space, we can decide how to respond rather than being hijacked by an automatic, and often unhelpful, impulse.

Once we can identify an emotion, we can employ various strategies to manage it effectively. One powerful technique is cognitive reappraisal, which involves reframing the way we interpret a situation that has triggered a strong emotional response. For example, if you feel intense anxiety before a public speech, you might initially think, "I'm going to embarrass myself." Reappraisal would involve challenging that thought and considering alternative perspectives, such as, "This is a chance to share my knowledge," or "It's normal to feel nervous, and the audience is supportive." This isn't about forced positivity, but about finding a more balanced and realistic interpretation that reduces the emotion's intensity.

Another key aspect of regulation is learning to tolerate distress. Some emotional pain is an inevitable part of life. Distress tolerance skills, often taught in therapies like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), help us survive a crisis moment without making it worse. These can include distraction techniques (engaging in an absorbing activity), self-soothing through the five senses (e.g., listening to calming music or holding a warm cup of tea), and improving the moment through imagery or prayer. These skills are not solutions but life rafts that keep us afloat until the emotional storm passes. Ultimately, emotional regulation is a skill set that empowers us. It allows us to acknowledge sadness without falling into despair, to feel anger without acting destructively, and to experience fear without becoming paralyzed. By honing this ability, we build resilience and cultivate a sense of mastery over our internal world.

References

Brackett, M. A. (2019). Permission to feel: Unlocking the power of emotions to help our kids, ourselves, and our society thrive. Celadon Books.

Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT skills training handouts and worksheets (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Segal, Z. V., Williams, J. M. G., & Teasdale, J. D. (2018). Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy for depression (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.